>A woman was walking down Yonge Street in Toronto when she was
> >accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman
who
> >asked
> >her for a couple of dollars for dinner.
> >
> >The woman took out her billfold, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If
> >I give you this money, will you buy some wine with it instead of
> >dinner?"
> >
> >"No, I had to stop drinking years ago", the homeless woman replied.
> >
> >"Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?" the woman
> >asked.
> >
> >"No, I don't waste time shopping, the homeless woman said. "I need
to
> >spend all my time trying to stay alive."
> >
> >"Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?" the woman
> >asked.
> >
> >"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless woman. "I haven't had my hair
> >Done in 20 years!"
> >
> >"Well," said the woman, "I'm not going to give you the money.
> >Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with me and my husband
> >tonight."
> >
> >The homeless woman was astounded. "Won't your husband be furious
with
> >you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty
> >disgusting."
> >
> >The woman replied, "That's okay. It's important for him to see what
a
> >woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments
> >and wine."
> >

Labels: Jokes

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn''''t want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold."No," the inmate said, "just get it over with.". "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn''''t even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.
The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall. one fell down ................"

Labels: Jokes

Absolutely brilliant !!!
A public school teacher was arrested today at John
F. Kennedy International Airport as he attempted to board a
flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide
rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General
John Ashcroft said he believes the man is a member of the notorious
Al-gebra movement.
He did not identify the man, who has been charged
by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction. "Al-gebra is a
problem for us," Ashcroft said.
"They desire solutions by means and extremes, and
sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value. They use
secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as 'unknowns', but
we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of
medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles
used to say, 'There are 3 sides to every triangle'."
When asked to comment on the arrest, President
Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of Maths instruction, He
would have given us more fingers and toes."
White House aides told reporters they could not
recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President

Labels: Fun Facts, Jokes